Change
by Libertyne
Summary: Jackie’s life has changed… in a whole lotta ways. Jackie POV. A little spoilerish I guess. I dunno. I just felt compelled to write something and this happened to be it. Ugh. Evil muse!


**Disclaimer: **Don't own 'em.

Rating: PG

**Summary: **Jackie's life has changed… in a whole lotta ways. Jackie POV.A little spoilerish I guess. I dunno. I just felt compelled to write something and this happened to be it. Ugh. Evil muse!

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I'd always told myself that after everything I went through with Michael, I'd never put myself through it again.

The lies, the cheating -- all of it. I don't know why I put up with it in the first place. I guess I couldn't stand the thought of being by myself. It was like we were both so used to each other. It was just something expected.

But then all of that changed; Michael left to California with Donna and I cried. I cried because I knew things were different; I knew things wouldn't be the same. I was a hopeless romantic. I wanted the guy in the end, you know? The whole idea of love was just fascinating to me.

With Donna and Michael gone, I guess that's when I realized that there was no such thing as a fairytale. It never existed. I watched Eric mope and sulk about Donna. I watched Mr. Forman threaten to kick Eric's ass if he didn't stop moping and sulking about Donna. It was weird because even I thought that Eric and Donna would always be together. They just fit so… freakishly well together.

And then I cried some more because I knew that if Eric and Donna didn't get their shit together then there was no chance in hell for me.

But the summer seemed to drag. The basement was so quiet and lonely. It was like being in this shell. No one wanted to say anything because we were afraid of realizing that nothing might ever be the same.

So we watched TV and kept quiet, each of us sheltering ourselves inside the basement, just waiting.

I remember being so mad at Michael, like… just feeling really bad 'cause he didn't want me. We had worked so hard to get to this certain point and then it all breaks away over something stupid.

I made another promise to myself that I wouldn't fall in love with anyone again. 'Cause all it does is bring drama and pain -- well okay, with the exception of David Cassidy, but whatever.

Of course, that didn't work. 'Cause nothing works out for me. **Ever.**

Anyway, so yeah, I was back in the basement with the 3 stooges and strangely, it didn't feel awkward. I like to think that Eric and I bonded over Ben & Jerry's and shit talking. Okay, well I talked major crap about Michael and Eric did too.

You know, he never said a bad thing about Donna.

Ugh.

It really didn't matter. I was glad Eric had been there when I needed to vent, but I guess he got tired of it or something because every time I came over, he'd walk out of the room and mumble something about having to get Donna and Michael back.

So I opted to talk to Steven instead.

Now, Steven is man of few words. He usually doesn't like you much until you bribe him with something… and even then, it's not a guarantee that he'll like you.

I bought him a pair of these kick ass boots once, so he still owed me a conversation or two.

As it turned out, the conversation was more one sided about Michael. Steven just rolled his eyes and told me to go away; I kept talking and snapping him out of daze every 10 minutes.

Are all men diagnosed with ADD or what?

But then I came over Eric's everyday and Eric still chose to avoid me so I'd go to Steven.

And, well, things started happening.

I always liked Steven… okay, not always because there was that one time when he told everyone my middle name: Beulah.

I kicked his ass for that one, so it doesn't matter. Oh, and I told everyone that my mom was too drugged up at the hospital to know what she was saying.

Of course, there's also that time…

Okay. Well, Steven helped me in a lot of ways to get over Michael. One time, he taught me what he liked to call "Zen"

For such a made up word, it really helps.

But deep down, I always harbored this crush for him.

And I always thought that underneath his poorly bathed exterior, along with the massive chip on his shoulder, he was just waiting to be loved.

Steven started growing a beard during the summer and it was just so… sexy. I remember one time when Michael started growing a beard, I found him hard to resist, but Steven looked so different or whatever. He looked like the epitome of cool.

So we started fooling around. I swear I did it out of pity! I mean, God, I bet the guy seriously doesn't get any action.

And then it became this secret thing. It was so wrong and unpredictable… it was a welcomed change.

**

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**

Okay, despite what everyone thinks, I am **not** crazy.

And even though Donna doesn't believe me, I did consciously choose Steven, I guess. I mean, it wasn't only some lust driven thing. I guess she wants to think that only she and Eric are special, that they're soul mates or whatever. Apparently no one else can have a deep relationship around here besides them.

Which is untrue because when I was with Michael --

Well, Michael and I had our moments --

Dammit.

Fine.

_Occasionally_, Michael and I had some pretty deep moments. But those were few and far between.

But, whatever. It doesn't matter because I'm not with Michael anymore.

I'm with Steven.

Sorta.

Donna keeps asking me what really happened in the basement that brought me and Steven together and for once in my life I can't put a string of words together to give her a logical answer.

Besides, if I did tell her, it'd be totally unromantic, y'know?

I mean, what can I say?

"Well, it all started out with Bob Barker…"

First off, ew, how disturbing is that? Even though it is the truth.

And second, how _lame_.

I don't know… I never expected anything to turn out this way. Ever since I've been with Steven, my life has taken this crazy turn. My dad got arrested, my mom's… well, I don't know where my mom is… but I'm dealing.

It's just really strange. I never imagined that my life would take this sudden turn.

It's like when I was with Michael, everything was sugar coated… everything seemed all too easy and now, it's not.

It was so hard for me to grasp at first. It was so hard for me to understand that not everything stays the same; that change is inevitable.

But I like to think that things happen for a reason.

**

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**

…Things happen for a reason.

Isn't that the truth? The odd turns in my life? Too true.

So Steven and I became 'official' and everything was going great. We were actually able to tolerate each other for more than a day.

But…

Then things just started happening.

First, Michael brought Annette to Point Place. I was so upset over that because, well, she was such a whore.

So, okay, I slipped up and called Michael my boyfriend, but it wasn't all that bad. It was a slip of the tongue… an accident.

No one seemed to get that though. Michael wouldn't drop it; he loved it. Donna kept pressuring me to do something about it and Steven… well, Steven had dumped me because of it.

When I tried to talk to Steven, it was difficult. It was strange because I felt like I needed him to know my side of the story. I didn't want to lose him over something stupid…

Like Annette.

So he broke up with me and I remember crying. I cried like I did when Michael left for California. It was my only solution.

And then I talked to Annette and can I just say that the girl is an idiot? God! I wanted someone to stuff her back in her Barbie Dream house or something.

But during our "conversation", I realized that Michael wasn't worth it. He was never worth it. It hit me then…

The big deal everyone was making about what I said? It was nothing. I didn't have to be so worried 'cause I realized right then and there that I wanted to be with Steven, massive chip on shoulder and all.

I was kicking myself for putting myself through this again. I didn't want to walk across that extremely thin line again.

With Michael, I kind of lost myself in the idea of love; the whole idea of being happy and having that picture perfect life.

With Steven, it was this risk.

At one point, I tried to emotionally detach myself from our 'relationship'. I tried to use it as a way to get over Michael.

Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was disillusioned or something. I never experienced actually _falling_ in love with someone. With Michael, it was like it had always been there. It was like one day, we just said those 3 words and it was just there.

With Steven, it was easier to hide. Well, mainly because Eric and Donna were going through all of this crap and everyone seemed so focused on them. So I was able to push aside these feelings for a little longer.

But it happened.

As happy as the idea was, I don't think anyone ever means to fall in love. But it happens and it brands itself on your brain. It's like a new street appearing overnight in a city you've lived your whole life. The street is one way; you can't turn around and get off it. And it curves up ahead so that you can only see far enough to know that you're heading into the unknown.

It was scary and awkward. It was insane but I told him. I told Steven how I felt and he just looked at me. I could see the anger drain from his face and maybe there was relief, too.

But he looked at me for the longest time, and I felt naked. It felt like he could see right through me. After a long silence, he broke. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips and I found myself hugging him.

And it was nice because it felt like we had our own little moment, you know?

I looked up at him and he smiled, I smiled, I knew right away, this was the day I waited for, for a moment the whole world revolved around one boy and one girl.

**

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**

So everything kind of became 'okay' then. Everything almost seemed… normal.

Okay, fine, Michael tried to win me back but I wasn't falling for that.

Ass.

And I ended up moving in with Donna.

Don't ask…

It's kind of embarrassing really…

But everything was going 'okay' and Steven and I were 'okay'.

I'd like to think that we both had this strong relationship, but the truth is we were both cautious. I could tell that Steven was still struggling with the thought of whether I was over Michael or not.

I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm this big thing, but I think Steven has the idea that he's not worthy of our relationship.

I read it in Cosmo… and that is every girl's bible.

Finally, my suspicions were confirmed when Steven got upset because I was hanging out with Michael. He got all insecure again and started to babble about how he doesn't trust anything.

Ugh.

So deep down he still harbored these insecure feelings about the 'get off my boyfriend' thing.

Part of me was upset for the lack of trust. The other part of me reasoned that it was Steven and his trust issues. It took him a long time to get to the point where he was starting to open up, so I went along with the more understanding side. I promised him that I wouldn't hang out with Michael anymore.

Go figure. It always ends with Michael. This time it wasn't even his fault. I should've known something would go wrong though. Because for once, I was finally getting used to being at this certain point.

Then it all had to change.

**

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**

I still don't know what happened. I was looking for Steven so we could make plans to go see this new movie and I couldn't find him. So I went to the hotel and I bumped into Roy, his boss, and Roy jumped down my throat.

The whole time I was in a whole world of confusion. At first, I didn't think he heard me right. He was talking about me and Michael and a couch. The words didn't even fit and then it hit me.

He was talking about me comforting Michael.

But…

Oh.

**Oh.**

I didn't realize that I was just trying to help him out. Michael had been so upset. I mean, Fez had this dream about him and Michael was worried! So he had come to me. I didn't know what to think… Steven saw us?

Oh, God.

I knew Steven and I knew that he would be mad; even worse, he wouldn't want to talk to me. So I had went to look for him, hoping that I'd catch him before he made some stupid, erratic decision.

I went everywhere. I went back to Eric's. I went to The Hub. I remembered that there was this Nurses ball or something. The thing Steven was bitching to me about catering, so I went there. I saw Mrs. Forman and I felt a sigh of relief. She'd know where he was, right?

Wrong.

As it turned out, Mrs. Forman was drunk. Like really drunk. She was babbling something about drinking too much and she put an umbrella from one of her drinks in my hair.

After giving up on talking to her, I decided to go back to Donna's.

Maybe, I thought, he'd come see me.

Maybe, I thought, a day apart would give him time to think.

Don't ever count on maybe.

**

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**

I remember every detail. I remember every single feeling I had.

I finally saw Steven. He came over to Donna's to talk to me. I felt happy that he wanted to talk to me. I wanted to explain to him what'd happened.

But he wouldn't let me get a word out. It was like… he was struggling with something.

I remember the feeling of being dazed. It was one of those dazes where you feel like someone just sucker punched you in the stomach. You stop seeing everything that's happening because it all becomes this big blur. You start to tune out to their voice because you can't seem to get over the sound of your own heart, beating so hard, so loud, that you're afraid it's gonna burst out of your chest.

"…this nurse… I thought you and Kelso… so we went to her room… slept with her… sorry… I'm so sorry…"

Like a puzzle, it was slowly piecing itself together. My hand whipped up to my mouth and I couldn't look at him. I felt my stomach drop. I felt like I wanted to throw up.

My mind was a scattered mess, all these words floating around in my head. All these thoughts.

I remember, though, that as I pushed past him, as I pushed him away from me, one word came forward.

_Why?_

**

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**

I couldn't cry. Well, I could but I refused to. I was still in shock.

Why?

Why did it always happen to me? What the fuck did I do to deserve it?

First Michael… and then Steven…

Did I have a sign on my back that said, 'Please cheat on me'?

I just sat on Donna's bed… my thoughts all strewn and confusing. She had decided to leave me alone. She had said that it would probably be best that way, that it'd give me time to think.

And I heard a soft knock on the door and Donna poked her head through.

"Hey, Hyde's on the phone…"

I nodded and reached over to pick up the phone on her nightstand. My fingers rested on the receiver, feeling the cold plastic against my skin.

Donna gave me a weak smile and closed the door.

Slowly, I picked up the phone and pressed it to my ear.

"Jackie?" I heard his voice.

Part of me wanted to scream. Another part wanted to ask him questions.

I bit the bottom of my lip and took the receiver away from my ear. It felt so heavy in my hand as I returned it to the cradle.

I remember biting my lip so hard, I thought it'd bleed. I felt my heart constrict in my chest and I cried.

And it all came out. Along with the tears, so did my anguish. All the lies Michael told me, not having my parents, and everything Steven Hyde.

I cried for all of that.

**

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**

Steven came to see me. He said he needed to talk to me or something. I was ready to throw him out. I was ready to stop being prim and proper and just unleash on him, but I didn't.

So he came in and we sat down.

He told me he realized he made a mistake. He said it was his fault and that he's sorry.

I just looked at him, pretty devoid of emotion and listened. Or tried to.

He said he loved me. He told me that he knew it was wrong to say it at that moment, but that it was the truth.

And he grabbed my hand and half of me wanted to scream not to touch me and half wanted to beg of him not to let go.

He didn't have his stupid sunglasses on so I could see his eyes. They were so worn and tired. Like he'd been through as much as I had.

I pushed back the urge to hug him and kiss him. I pushed down the feeling of forgiveness.

I had two options.

One, to forgive and move on. Almost like I did with Michael all those times. All those times I took him back because he said he was sorry and that he loved me.

Two, to let go. To see this change in front of me and accept it. Nothing would be the same again. Everything's changed. The promise I made to myself still lingered in my head.

I spoke just then, pretty sure that my voice wouldn't work.

I told him about my promise. The promise to myself that after Michael, I'd never let it happen to me again. I still couldn't understand how, in a moment of doubt, he could just betray me like that.

And Steven just looked at me, an assorted mask of emotions set on his face and I think he understood.

He got up and walked to the door, I looked at him and he looked at me. No words, just… resignation.

Why did I break up with him? Well, it's like, once I sat down and looked at the situation, all the pieces lying on the floor; it just wasn't a puzzle anymore. None of those pieces fit together. And even if I tried really hard, the pieces, well they were to two different puzzles. That's why I did it, I think he understands that.

**

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**

I took a break from hanging out in the basement and just spent time with Donna. I know she's trying to be a good friend and remain neutral. But Donna's Donna and she always seems to understand the situation a little better.

The other day I saw Steven. It was weird and upsetting, but then again, I knew it would be. I don't know if anything will be the same again. The world spins on change.

But we tried to act like everything was normal and we all knew it wasn't. Things were different and maybe, they would always be.

I remember that at one point, we locked eyes for like, a second. It was this small and inconsequential moment, nothing to make a fuss about or anything.

For that one second, I looked at him and he looked at me, it was like we forgave each other for everything.

Maybe I was trying to justify my reasons or maybe I was just trying to let myself love him again.

I guess it doesn't matter because whatever happens happens right?

Maybe we were just stepping stones at one point in each others lives. Maybe we just needed the change, the stepping stone.

The world's full of change.

And as I speak from experience, I can tell you a little about change.

Change: It's never easy; you fight to hold on, you fight to let go.


End file.
